


It's Okay

by Avlaske



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Comfort/Angst, Fix-It, Light Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-02
Updated: 2013-07-02
Packaged: 2017-12-16 20:45:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/866425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Avlaske/pseuds/Avlaske
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone was waiting to see Clint fall apart. That's what normal people do when their partners pass away. But Clint's never claimed to be normal. He just wants to grieve silently. He can live with being just okay.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's Okay

Everyone was watching him. He could feel eyes following his every movement. He knew what they were waiting for, but he wouldn’t give in. Not with so many people watching him.

They were all waiting to see him fall apart.

He clenched his fists, and then relaxed them. He supposes it’s something that’s to be expected from anyone who’s grieving. Everyone and their mother on this helicarrier knew about his relationship with Coulson. He allows the corner of his lips to twitch into a sad smile for a brief second before soldiering his face.

He wasn’t just anyone.

He won’t be a fool and attempt to kill himself by shooting arrows until his arms fell off. He won’t be jumping off any buildings with thoughts of suicide or think about doing it either.

He only wanted to grieve silently.

It’s not the people that are aggravating him. (He deserves it after killing nearly half of SHIELD’s agents). No, it’s the whispers and the questions about his lack of emotions towards the death of his husband. He grits his teeth and takes it all in stride with Natasha at his shoulder. She leans in a bit to offer her own form of comfort, creating a barrier around him against everyone else. Gossip forms from it. Before he knows it, he’s cheating on his late husband not long after his death. The thought that people could actually believe that hurt him deeply.

He never said anything against it and the gossip had gotten worse. He mostly hides in the vents now. It’s not until Fury finds out and starts shouting at the agents did it finally calm down. It never stops, not completely, but it’s getting better.

He starts hanging around the cafeteria again, no matter how much it hurts to be there without Coulson. He bites his cheek until it bleeds the first time around, and forces himself to stay until the end of break. That habit didn’t break until the third time around, when people around him realize that he’s going to be okay. He finds it easier to breathe two weeks in.

He can’t go on missions yet.  He hasn’t been cleared from the psych department because he still feels guilty about the many deaths he caused on the helicarrier. (He has nightmares every night and begs them to forgive him.) It’ll be months before he’ll be able to function normally again, and be able to actually sleep. It won’t be too long before he’s sent out again though. They are low on agents now.

And he won’t have Coulson at his ear anymore.

The thought makes him lose his appetite and he hides in his nest for 3 days straight before he’s okay to be back on his feet.

His first mission back, three months later, goes wrong before it goes right. His handler was still new and he has enough experience that he can make it out alive if his handler becomes lost. Everything goes haywire and he manages to save himself and his handler. The kid thanks him and learns from it. Clint never learns his name. He doesn’t bother to learn the names of following agents, either. Psych says it’s an attachment issue; he just doesn’t want anyone he relatively likes to die because of him again.

He still fights with the Avengers, and they don’t begrudge him. They also don’t pity him when they find out about Coulson either. (Except Tony who kept giving him things until he snarkily told Tony where he can shove all his presents. They’re on good standings now.) He doesn’t mind them, and he knows their names and their hobbies. He learns all of this not from a file, but with their daily interactions. (He doesn’t have to worry about them, he tells himself, because they’re superheroes).

Before he knows it, half a year has gone by and his nightmares haven’t lessened one bit. He thinks of Coulson every morning and makes it through the day. He’s okay now. He won’t ever be great, or even good, but he’ll be okay. That’s enough for him.

Suddenly Coulson was back in their lives and he’s thrown off balance again. He knows he should be happy, but he feels upturned instead. Everyone is smiling and congratulating him, but all he can feel is the slight bitterness of betrayal and a strange sense of melancholy. He’s been learning to live with Coulson, and when he finally does, Coulson just walks back into his life. He reacts the only way he knows how.

He hides.

Coulson later finds him back at the Avengers’ Tower, where he now resides instead of their home they bought together awhile back.

“Sir,” he says, unsure of what to say. He falls back into formal greeting.

“Clint,” Coulson replies back. Except, he’s not Coulson anymore, he’s Phil now. The change is so sudden that he’s now speechless. He doesn’t know what persona he can fall back to now. He panics a bit until he’s no longer panicking because Phil’s hand is now on his and he’s calming down. “How are you?

It’s the first time anyone has asked him that since Phil has returned that he can’t help but stutter through his reply. It’s also his first real conversation with Phil since he’s came back, too. He’s suddenly enveloped into a tight hug and at first he’s scrambling for something to do with his hands before he’s returning the gesture.

He takes in a deep breath, and it’s _Phil_ that’s filling up all of his senses. He’s suddenly overwhelmed by emotions that feel like it’s been punched right out of him. He tightens the grip he has on Phil and rests his forehead on Phil’s shoulder.

He only just realizes that Phil’s been whispering to him the whole time. The words “everything will be all right” and “I’m here for you” were repeated several times and he shakes his head.

He pulls his head back and looks into Phil’s tired eyes. “We don’t need to make promises,” he starts. He takes in a deep breath and breathes through his nose.

“We’ll be okay,” he says simply.

 


End file.
